Okay, time to sneak back in...

Looks like i'm in the clear...

*notices you*
Erm... hi there...
...I was held up in traffic?
OKAYDON'TKILLMEI'MSORRY.




*cough*
Anyways, back to business. Today i have an announcement to make.
I can now make an omlette!

Yes, this is a big deal for me. I'm not one for cooking, my mom prepares all my meals.
So this is actually a pretty large step forward on the road to independance.

My friend came over today and said "hey, lets make omlettes for lunch."
I was hesitant at first but after seeing how easy it was, i took full control and made a boss omlette of awesomeness.

After we were done, my friend and i were all like:





On another note, i'm now a fan of 'My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic'.
It's one of the most entertaining cartoons i've seen in a long long while, and it deserves to be praised.

Watch it or pinkie pie will devour your soul.




















































She's watching you.

Dog/Horse Shit.

Okay, first things first.

Today my mother stepped in a pile of dog crap while we were chatting with the neighbours.
This kind of thing is hilarious when it doesn't happen to me, but at that very moment i realised something.

People get arrested and fined for not picking up their dog crap, yet we allow horses to poop all over the roads every day.
Is that really fair? Is that really not a contradiction?
Why is it acceptable to obstruct the fucking traffic riding your animal as you please?
Why is it acceptable for your horse to smother the streets with its filth?
Why are you acting so fucking retarded putting your horse on the road in the first place?


Horse Riders: "But it's good exercise for the widdle horsies!"

Me:




That's what their field is for, you motherfucking simpletons!

If you wanted to exercise them sensibly, you'd walk them in laps around the field!
But noooo... you just have to cause an annoyance for everybody else, don't you?

They don't say it to your face but 90% of motorists hate your fucking guts.
It's always "oh shit, horses on the road again. how retarded." and "hey, wouldn't it be hilarious if they got knocked over?"

You wouldn't have much of my pity if that happened. It would serve you right for the greivances you cause to society.

I'M STILL ALIVE, WHAT NOW!?

The world is supposed to be ending yet i'm still breathing and everything is as normal as can be.
What the hell? I thought that rapture was happening today? 'Divine Judgement' and all that jazz?

I'm really confused...
is this the real life? is this just fantasy? caught in a-
LOLNO.

But...could it be...? Nah, it couldn't...
Were they possibly...WRONG!?




LE GASP!
I totally didn't see this coming!
I already quit my job, raped the girl next door, and killed Mrs. Jenkin's annoying chihuahua.
Now you're telling me that it was a false alarm? And that i'm now possibly on my way to jail?




But all jokes aside...
I hope this teaches you fools a lesson. You give religious people a bad name.
I'm laughing hard at every single one of you who actually believed this would happen.

If you want to do something useful to make up for this, throw a massive barbeque.
Invite every single person who's barbeques were ruined because frightened guests refused to show up.

Does anyone here play touhou?

I tried it out last week and i'm having difficulty getting into it.

It's...eh, I dunno.
It's okay, I guess. Especially considering it was all made by just one guy.
But it's just soooo fucking hard, even on the easiest difficulty setting.



This is quite literally the most difficult game i have ever played.
You need to be a multi-tasker of the highest caliber, with superhuman reflexes & delicate fingers.

I've been told that this is the purpose of the game, to surpass human limits and kick the game's ass.
On that front, this game definitely excels. everytime i beat a boss, i actually feel like i've accomplished something.
Though after that i get my ass kicked 20 times against the next boss.

Who knows, maybe i'll enjoy myself more when i get to play the sequels.


*watches some youtube videos of people playing them*



THIS LOOKS EVEN HARDER! D:

Damn, it's been more than a week...

I've been suffering from a pretty nasty case of procrastination lately (lately = the past 19 years of my life),
which has significantly affected my ability to get shit done.
The prime example right now being my prolonged absence from this blog.

I do hope that my first handful of followers haven't all given up on visiting me yet?




I just wanted to let you guys know that i've not forgotten about this blog, i just have major pacing issues.
I'll try to whip something up before too long, so hang tight. :)

The Royal Wedding Is Next Week...

...and a lot of people are making a big deal out of it.
like, a MAJOR deal out of it.




The majority of the country will literally be dropping everything they usually do in order to watch the wedding on tv.
They'll be gushing like crazy and raving about how great it is.

What's that? 'What about me'?
Well...




Seriously, fuck all this buzz. It's a wedding, whoop-de-fucking-doo!

Let's get one thing straight around here.
You can call me unpatriotic, but i don't care for the royal family at all. AT ALL.
i don't even support the idea of monarchies in the first place.
To me, the Queen is nothing but an old granny with a crown. Suck it, old bag.

But my beef isn't with the royal family themselves, just the method in which they came into power.
Why should someone get to run our shit just because they were born into a certain family?


Here, let Monty Python explain this shit for you.




Basically, that's my problem.
I'm not comfortable with being run by someone we couldn't vote for.
How is that a fair system?

Nobody should be born with an automatic right to power just because of their blood.
Everyone should have to work hard off their own backs if they want such a position.
Me and the Queen are no different to each other at all.
We are both breathing, pissing/shitting, talking pieces of living meat.
There is NOTHING except her title that makes her different from me.


So when anyone preaches a "holier than thou" attitude to me when describing royalty, expect this from me:




Fuck the Queen, fuck the Princes, fuck their whores, and fuck the wedding.



You know where i'll be on the wedding day?
Out having fun with my friends, thanks to you suckers officially giving the whole country the day off work.

Manchester United knocked out of the semi-final.

I follow football (soccer) regularly when it's showing on TV, and i sometimes go to matches.
Me and my family support Derby County, but i also like to watch premier league games from time to time.
Concerning the teams i follow the most, it's pretty much a combination of man united, liverpool, and arsenal.
I definitely like man united more though. They just charm me for some reason.

So, yeah... recently they were knocked out pretty one-sidedly by a strong man city team.
Though the result itself doesn't bother me at all, hence the picture above.

What pissed me off was the fact that this was our own god damn fault.
Berbatov screwed up a glorious chance, Carrick gave the ball away cheaply for city's goal,
Scholes got himself sent off, and we couldn't play Rooney because of the ban he's serving.


It all adds up, bro.




Firstly, i don't blame Rooney for getting the ban. It's really not his fault.
So what if he swore into a live TV camera? At the end of the day, pretty much nobody cares.
Swearing happens. it's nothing new. Your kids aren't as innocent as you think, y'know.
The sheer amount of foul mouthed children i see everyday in the street is living testament.

And besides, i fail to see why we dodge the main issue and paint Rooney as the scapegoat.
The problem is OUR SOCIETY, people! Wake the fuck up! WE did this!
If you're going to bitch and moan that Rooney's language touched your child's ear while he/she watched TV,
then put some earplugs on the little bastard/bitch.
As long as your ears are open, you'll never escape swearing.

If i ever have kids, i'm not going to hide them from swear words.
I'm going to teach them every swear word in existence, and THEN teach them that those words are wrong.
This way, i don't need to wrap them in motherfucking cotton wool.
Damn, they can even listen to something like eminem for all i care, as long as they don't repeat it.


Anyways, moving onto Scholes. What can i even say?
The man boasts a tremendously successful career history, and in his prime he was definitely a contender for best midfielder in england.
Hell, even now he still produces beautiful long passes and crosses.

But even after all these years... the guy still doesn't know how to tackle. At all.



You know i love you Scholesy, but you've let us down big time :(
It almost feels like he's trying to get more red cards than birthday cards before he retires.


I don't think that Carrick is even worth mentioning.
It was an amateur's mistake, there's nothing more to be said about it.
...At least, other than "stop being so shit at defending. You shouldn't pussy-pass.
you should always GET RID. BOOT IT AWAY."
I'd rather wag my finger at Berbatov anyway.
He wasted two brilliant chances within seconds of each other during the first half.
They don't pay you all of that cash just so you can make a fool out of yourself on national TV.

You were barely a metre or two away from goal. How did you miss? HOW?



And to make matters worse, i used my man united glass during dinner, claiming it would be a good luck charm.
Not only did united lose, but the little fucker fell off the counter and smashed last night.
Thanks a lot, dick.




There are a couple of positives to take from this though...

- We're still likely going to win the league.
- We still have one extra cup to shoot for.
- Based on Joe Hart's performance today, the England side still have a solid goalkeeper.
- Mario Balotelli continues to be a great source of entertainment.

Mario basically walked towards the man united supporters and showed them his badge as a taunt.
The man united players flipped their shit, with Ferdinand and Anderson leading the manhunt.
Luckily, things were diffused pretty quickly before a fight could break out.

I found it extremely amusing though, Balotelli is an excellent troll. See the wink? Classy~